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Monster Yak

Build me a monster, make her ten feet wide,
Make her throb like a Harley with her engine inside.
Fix a strong tail a man could dangle from,
Give her power enough to shift like a bomb.
Paint her wings of red, so glossy and new,
A finish so shiny and a lens to look through.
Put a smile on my beast, my giant monster Yak,
But no teeth to bite, don't let her talk back.
Please check the electrics are safely wired,
And save me the box to rest in when I'm tired.

The Princess and the Frog

Tiny tits and buck teeth,

White knicks underneath,

Blackheads and cross-eyed,

Croaky voice amplified,

Spare tyre and double chin,

Antipodean, tattooed skin,

Haemorrhoids and runny nose,

Black, laddered panti-hose,

Halitosis and tangled hair,

Yet, no other can compare!

One dance and we entwine,

Princess Shrimp, will you be mine?

Rehab

Sore finger, sore finger,
Sore finger, sore thumb.
A stinger, humdinger,
Accidinger maximum.
Decision, incision.
Precision repair.
Rehab is my prison,
Release is my prayer.
Please reknit my digit,
Bullshit me no more.
No flipflops in workshop,
It's nonstop, a bore.
So fix me quickly, fix me do.
Heroic aeronautics await me anew

(Chris has been at Wessex rehab for 6 weeks now after an aeronautical injury to his fingers)

Five Little Piggies

Five little piggies on the left foot,
But six little piggies on the right.
One little piggy too many,
Oh, what a perfect fright!
This little nurse went to market.
She bought cotton to bind round tight.
Death by strangulation.
Sleep deep little piggy,
goodnight.

Dear Benefactor...

I am the host of the Jurassic Coast,

A slender-necked, Moonfleet dweller.

I'm embroidered in white, a sumptuous sight,

And stand proud in my lacy mantilla.

To glimpse at me you must shell out my fee,

I'm worth a whole week's shopping.

Fund my stipend and I'll condescend

To reward you with a chocolate dropping.

Ed: It costs £17 to view the swans at Abbotsbury Swannery, You can see them FFA at nearby Weymouth FFS. They DO sell choc covered swan drops no kidding!

Anyone for celery?

You beat me with the celery,
Yes, that's what you do.
You creep on up behind me
With your silent hullabaloo.
At thirty love you serve an ace,
A fleeting glimpse of white.
I'm much to slow with my response
To your stick of dynamite.
But my deadly weapon's still in tact,
My organic forehand killer.
I return your next painful blow
With a spontaneous Steffi thriller.
You laugh at me and score again
With a quick flick of your celery.
I break a string. I'm limp and bruised.
But you rejoice at my injury.
Those who can be serious groan,
"Why are you being so rude?
Will you please remember your table manners,
And not play with your food?"

Headgear

Titfer tat, a bobble hat,
Beanie, beret, blue,
Pixie, pork-pie, panama,
Stetson howdy-do.
Un beau chapeau o sombrero,
Ten-gallon, straw-benger,
Balaclava, snugly snood,
Nor’easter, sou’wester.
Turban, tammy, coronet,
Fedora, fez, kepi,
Fascinate, disguise or veil,
None of them suit me!

Headgear....

Titfer tat a bobble hat,
Beanie, beret, blue,
Pixie, pork-pie, panama,
Stetson howdy-do.
Un beau chapeau o sombrero,
Ten-gallon, straw benger,
Balaclava, snuggly snood,
North-eastern sou'wester.
Turban, tammy, coronet,
Fedora, fez, kepi,
Fascinate, disguise or veil,
None of them suit me!

Asda

Ugly building in my way
I spit on you every day
Asda
I aint gonna be your bitch!

A bird's-eye view...

Battle Talk

I'm an airborne, high-flying, pioneering duck,
Not a ductile, low-lying, breadcrumb duck.
I'm a yellow arrowed, Chesil devil, display duck,
Not an I spy, dozy daffy, cartoon duck.
I'm a black leather, goggle-eyed, Biggles duck,
Not a rubbery, nursery, toilet duck.
I'm a high-tech, wifi, you tube duck,
Not an eiderdown, Aylesbury, Peking duck.
Because
Limp lame ducks make fair game minion,
And the revolution's coming - that's my pinion!

Ears a funny thing...

Narrowboat Bunny

Toying with water boatmen,
On bunnymoon, ears so pink,
Emily attracted attention.
She made them smile and wink.

We like your hat Missus.
What a smashing pair of ears!
Could you be a little fairy?
We've not seen your kind for years.
You lucky, lucky captain,
Your own bunny girl on board.
What a fetching decoration,
By 'eck, we think you've scored!
D'you know a butterfly's settled
Square upon your head?
Can you get Luxembourg on those?
Do you listen when you're in bed?
Your impressive rosy auricles
Just match your glass of fizzy,
But meeting you on the towpath
Causes vertigo and spells of dizzy.
My what big ears you've got!
You notice we didn't add Granny.
Don't let them blow off in the windlass.
Can a canal pal be so canny?

Toying with water boatmen,
Emily turned rabbit thriller,
With one ear locked on a smile,
And the other upon the tiller.

A Birthday Message

Love Tracy and Janet...

Rhyming is infectious
Like a smile beginning to grow.
Two friends wrote me a greeting
You can read it down below.

Oh Brenda, we were worried
If your fluffy ears got soaked
You'd be droopy, draggled bunnies
Whizzing round would be no joke.
Now you can travel topless
Through the hail and rain and snow
With your plastic, perky pinkies
And your little tail in tow.

Pig Tarts in Weymouth...

Is it false or is it true
The red-breasted robin tops buns for you?
Is it important, do you care
If pink pig tarts are local fare?
Is it authentic or maybe fake
That cupids exist in an angel cake?
Is it vital, do you count
The hundreds and thousands to the exact amount?
Are you deserted, does it matter
If you prefer a sweet Yorkshire batter?
Do you name it once, do you name it twice
Is there such a confection as paradise?
Do you toss and turn, are you sound asleep
Like pigs in blankets or one of the sheep?

Weymouth Baker Raided by Trading Standards...

Is it false or is it true
The red-breasted robin tops buns for you?
Is it important, do you care
If pink pig tarts are local fare?
Is it authentic or maybe fake
That cupids exist in an angel cake?
Is it vital, do you count
The hundreds and thousands to the exact amount?
Are you deserted, does it matter
If you prefer a sweet Yorkshire batter?
Do you name it once, do you name it twice
Is there such a confection as paradise?
Do you toss and turn, are you sound asleep
Like pigs in blankets or one of the sheep?

A Love poem

For the one...

Honey-scented buddleia
Grows by bus stops on the coast
Purple pointing fingers
For the one you love the most.
Darkened ripe blackberries
Grow wild in every part
Sweet secret memories
For the one who fills your heart.

Measuring Service

Making a boob...

Trust your Aunty Maureen dear

I've been doing this for years.

You're a double D lovie

With a pair of rabbit's ears.

My measure says a thirty-four

Of that there is no doubt.

Now try this black push-up on

To round 'em up and head 'em out.

What do you mean you think I've boobed,

You think it's far too tight?

Trust your Aunty Maureen dear

You're a bunny with dynamite.

No Appointment Necessary

Ask for Fifi...

Fifi le Philosophe, she say-
The bubbles, they tiny
So you drink the wine
The hold, he vertical
So you feeling fine
The stage, he yours
So you act the play#
The sun, he shine
So you make the hay
The age, he numerate
So you choose a bonus
The absence, she quiet
So you dial and phone us
The bell ring once
The bell ring twice
So you ask for Fifi
For sound advice.

A Whatchamacallit...

Quite Spent

How much is a new one?
I've worn this one quite through.
The edges are all crinkled,
The colour's lost it's hue.
When I try to switch it on
Whistles start to blow,
Steam spurts out the end of it
And mould begins to grow.
How much is a new one?
These batteries are quite spent.
The needle's stuck, the screen is blank,
My sense of humour's bent.
It makes me lose my balance.
The burning smell makes me queasy.
I find standing up extremely hard,
But falling down lemon cheesey.

A Beauty Treatment...

Feeling Tense?

On a scale of one to ten
How'd you feel, middle-aged wo-men?
What about a facial to rejuvenate,
To detoxify and exfoliate?
What about a scrub and an algae wrap
All topped off with a relaxing nap?

Oh, pamper me, dampen me,
Rub me with oil.
Splash it all over,
Gimme seaweed and soil.
Oh, sausage me, massage me
In your mud and your cream.
Make me believe
Cellulite's only a dream.
Oh, soothe me and smooth me
- But not that part
You know you'll only
Make me ...
Berate me, hydrate me
Rebalance my skin
Oh Lord forgive me
For I have wind.

How do I feel?
I'm a Bo Derek ten.
My tense is past
I'm Miss Whitehead again.

On the menu tonight...

Airline Food

I'm wishing on a wishbone
For fully-fledged food,
Wing me home swiftly
Sate my hungry mood.
Dreams of caesar salad
Chicken vindaloo,
Finger-lickin breasts and thighs
Fill the barbecue.
Four and twenty blackbirds
Wrapped in filo parcels,
Pleasant pheasant tucker
A brace of metatarsals.
Feed me you elegant fowl
Corn fed coq-au-vin,
A lick of liver pate
Piri-piri ptarmigan.
A parson's nose ou quelque chose
Marinated meat in claret,
Bhuna birds of paradise
Sliced diced, cheeky parrot.
Naughty Nando's airways
Do you have a notion
Bird-flu has assaulted me
Like poultry in motion?

Take a break...

A Picture Puzzle

One thousand parts
A picture puzzle
Piece them altogether.
Make yourself
A model plane
For flying in fair weather.
Six hundred shapes
Of pure azure
Make the playground sky.
Controls get set
Departure time
Spirits soaring high.
Four hundred more
Complete the scene
Each token to be found.
Beauty soars
But beauty dives
Smithereens on the ground.
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Fix together again.
Three thousand parts
A picture puzzle
A song that will remain.

An epitaph

The Queen of Puddings...

Irene devoured the bowl of prunes,
Irene swallowed them whole.
Enough to feed the eight of us,
Irene wolfed them all.
Skin and flesh and stones within,
Irene gulped the lot.
Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor,
Hit Irene's hungry spot.
The champion of the dinner hour,
With a spoon a paragon.
Irene became less popular,
As the afternoon dragged on.

Nineteen sixty something...

Sixteen, seventeen
Adolescence
Unlocked diary
Memory presents.
Woodpecker cider
Barley wine
Where shall we go,
Your place or mine?
Middop, Worsthorne
Central Meths
Meet the Fairports
On the ledge.
Wilson's Electrical
Harker's Bazaar
Lonely goatherd
Steering a car.
Ready, steady
Colour me pop
Mr Siddall's
Hardware shop.
Gandalf's Garden
Only three bob
Gimme please
A Saturday job.
Freak out man
On a Friday night
Last bus Queensgate
Frog eyed Sprite.
Incense, patchouli
Kick out the jams
Vesta beef curry
And spam, spam, spam.
Ask no questions
Weaver's answer
Traveller's Rest
Youth club dancer.
Bricking it, bricking it
Maths paper two
Crown Point Road
I've had a few.
Coniston Coppermines
Butharlyp Howe
We want the world
And we want it NOW!

A perfect fit...

Slip your hand in this glove
See what a perfect fit
Comfort made to measure
An ultimate, cosy mitt.
Wriggle your fingers in this glove
A second to make the pair
Cosiness for your pinkies
A partnership you can wear.

Retail Therapy...

Skimpy tops

Me and Joanie goin out shoppin,
Gigglin schoolgirlies, gotta keep stoppin.
Choosin clothes for clubbin in Ibiza,
Wanna look cool, not look a teacha.
Goin thro' racks for somethin fun,
She say, "Here my friend, try this on."
I say, "No way Joanie, I is far too shy! "
Skirt too small, won't fit round me thigh.
She look at me and start to grin,
Shoulda worn a tenalady, keep it all in!
Gotta be somethin in one of these shops,
Go searchin Next for skimpy tops.
Joanie admirin wi' big shiny eyes,
No big mirror wi' big shiny surprise.
I lookin glittery, slinky, strappy,
She lookin sunburnt, sexy, happy.
Kids all say, "What wrong wi' you?
Don't you behave like udder mudders do?"
They just kids and no appreciate
Laughin is tonic and you's never too late.

A hot flush...

Just do not!

Do not tell me it's chilly in here
I am the fire that could singe and sear.
Do not tell me you can feel a draught
I am a thermal, a convectional waft.
Do not tell me you've got it on low
I am the furnace burning coals of snow.
Do not tell me it's wintry outside
I am tropical, piquant, intense and fried.
Do not tell me it'll pass, it'll go
I am volcanic and ready to blow.
Do not tell me about primrose oil
I am highly-seasoned and fit to spoil.
Do not tell me it's just my age
I am mrs inferno fevered with rage.

A broken relationship...

Driving me crazy

I want a word with you, matey,
I don't like the way you speak.
Your tone is driving me crazy,
You've been insulting me all week.
What does it cost to have manners?
You're sending me round the bend.
Talk politely please, won't you?
There's no need to offend.
You never give warning of storms,
Or when things are likely to blow.
You just dole out instructions.
I do have feelings you know.
Last night you were abusive and nasty,
Made me knock that keep left cone.
I've had it with you Satnav,
I'll go round the twist on my own!

Raise your glasses to the lassies...

A woman's work is never done

She is a multi-tasker
If ye don't think these words are real
Then go along and ask her.
A daughter, sister, mother, wife,
A friend forever true,
A cook, cleaner, bottlewasher,
A nurse and handmaid too.
She's out at work to earn a crust
As well as any man
A struggler, striver, server, saver
Doing all she can.
Her tricks and craft mae put ye daft
To dream of red, red roses
Small wonder she gets headaches then
At all that ye proposes.

A piece of advice...

A bit off the sides and somewhat over the top

You'll look a million dollars babe
Or maybe even more.
Listen to me Brenda darling
I'm professional, know the score.
Babes, you'll look fantastic
Like the picture in the book.
Understand me sweety darling
I can improve your look.
Let me take the thickness out
Make you look real sassy,
Plenty of rich texture darling
Make you look real classy.
Any problems, tell me babes
Just give me a bell.
I am the stylish business darling
And a smooth operator as well.

You're going to write a poem babes
About what I just said?
Getoutahere! No way darling!
You're really off your head!

A sting in the end…

Ouch!

I’m going to sink my teeth in you!
I’m going to make you burn!
I’m going to nip you on your bum!
So don’t you twist or turn.
A bit of flesh is all I need
To scratch and sting and bite.
A naked patch of juicy skin
Gives me my appetite.
Just when you think I’ve had my fill
And I can eat no more
I’ll grab you when you’re unaware
And jab you with my claw.
To me it’s just a waiting game
Luring blind lovers for snacks
Because stinging nettle is my name
And you’re kissing in my patch.

A cure...

Vick's Vapour Rub

My Mother's cure for a cold on the chest
Was Vick's Vapour Rub, and Mothers know best.
The menthol powers of this sticky goo
Can help you breathe, give relief to you.
I followed her orders to the letter
Sure this cure would make me better.
No need to turn the night light on
I could reach the jar, disturb no-one.
I unscrewed the lid, dipped my fingers in
Spread a liberal amount up to my chin.
Yet something smelled yeasty, so I turned on the light
To discover my chest lathered with brown marmite!

An individual...

I like you

I like you, you're bipedal
Left and right, a pair.
I like you, you're hirsute
You're worth it, full of hair.
I like you, you're Peter Pan
Never-Never growing old.
I like you, you're a warm cloak
To wrap around the cold.
I like you, you're artistic
Ready to draw your sword.
I like you, you're a partisan
Dependent on who's scored.
I like you, you're colonial
You make yourself at home.
I like you, you're seaworthy
Buoyant in my poem.
I like you, you're inventive
Making life a breeze
I like you, you're different
Always be this please.